I had a flashback again last night.
Two, actually.
I don’t know what to believe anymore.
“Do you think there’s any possibility it didn’t happen?” I asked Jen on Monday.
She thought if she should answer, and decided to. She knows I was asking her opinion and not for fact. I won’t be “forced” into believing whatever she does.
“No, I don’t” she replied.
“I know you want me to say yes,” she continued, “But I really don’t think so”.
I thought about what she’s told me in the past, when I was worried she might think I was faking. Or when I’ve also asked her why she believes it’s something that has happened to me and not something my brain has made up.
I know that I see your reactions to what you’re seeing and feeling, she’s told me. You’re not that great an actress, Heather. Your reactions are so very strong. And it fits. It fits to why you feel and think the way you do. It fits too well to be made up.
She has never pushed this. She only answers when I ask for her opinion; and she makes sure to add that she could be wrong. She doesn’t believe she’s wrong, but she could be.
It does fit too well.
That’s too easy, my brain tries, They’re always looking for a reason you’re screwed up. There is no reason. You just are.
I still can’t deny that it explains so much.
Sometimes I think the things they’ve told me are worse than the things they’ve done to me. It’s the words they said that repeat in my mind. It’s the things they whispered over and over that make me hate myself the most. And I still believe it. The things they say are the things I’ve always believed about myself. Where else did I get it?
“It would have been so much easier if they were silent the whole time; if they just shut up and did it” I told Jen, “Their words seem to be the hardest to get over”.
I cry when I have flashbacks alone. Not always, but usually. Not many tears, either, as I’m still learning how to cry again. I’m grieving.
It hurts, but it’s freeing as well.
I am learning to let go.
I want to write about last night’s flashback. Just the one… or maybe both.
I can’t seem to do it, though. I want to get it out, but there are so many things holding me back again. Mostly, I’m afraid that I’m a liar. I’m standing on the edge of denial right now.
I wish I could talk to somebody about this. About… about the details. But it’s so gross and nasty and terrible and makes me want to curl up and disappear and die. It’s embarrassing. It’s… It’s just…
I need a hug. A real hug. A long, comforting, safe hug.
8 comments
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November 24, 2010 at 5:59 pm
bookjunkie
You write with such clarity that I feel I am right there with you. The part you wrote about how the words hit you the worse make a lot of sense to me. Sending you healing thoughts…& hugs..
November 24, 2010 at 7:00 pm
iamlivingx
Thank you. <3
December 29, 2010 at 10:15 pm
sworddancewarrior
I know this was a long time ago but…Can you write about the details? Sometimes I try and write the details as if it was a story, from start to finish, and it helps. There are a lot of us out here who have been through similar things. You’re not alone.
December 30, 2010 at 11:35 am
iamlivingx
I know I’ve written details once or twice. It seems easier to write than say. It’s so hard to say. I hate it in writing though because it makes it so cemented. I could always rip it up afterwards. Thank you, I think I will try that.
January 1, 2011 at 11:14 pm
sworddancewarrior
Sometimes I feel like, since post traumatic memories are so sketchy sometimes, that if I write down the details that aren’t 100% connected, or if there’s pieces missing, I’ll feel like a liar. but when I do write it down, I often find it hangs together a lot better than I thought. This is just for you (or your therapist too, or whatever) anyhow. Good luck.
January 2, 2011 at 1:17 am
iamlivingx
I think that’s a big fear I have, too. Writing it or even just saying it makes me feel like such a liar. Especially if other people read/hear it. But I try to tell myself it’s only for me & if I want to share later I can.
Thanks!
January 8, 2011 at 11:31 pm
sworddancewarrior
exactly. Good luck with it!
March 29, 2011 at 9:49 am
bookjunkie
I have blocked out a lot of bad things from the past. I can understand how scary it must be for you because the things I experience are far from the trauma that has been inflicted upon you…and I am still not brave enough to confront them.